*Last Nights Fiasco*
When ever I have thoughts on pickup, feel like venting, or want to share some of my adventures I’m going to write about it here. These are NOT field reports, personally I dislike writing and reading field reports so I would never put you guys through that. Some of the stories I’ll be writing about are extremely personal to me, and give you a glimpse into my life.
Please leave a comment and let me know if you’re liking these or not. Because I’m doing them for you guys, if no one cares or likes them It’s a hassle off my back to stop typing out all this garbage.
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title: Last Nights Fiasco
I’m stumbling into my bedroom, it’s well past 2:00am and I can’t find the 26er. I shout for Samantha to bring my 26er in and she can’t find it either! Then it hits me. This glass container I’m holding has alcohol in it… OH! There’s my 26er. And right beside it is a big comfy bed. I lay down and Samantha tucks me in under the covers, what a sweet heart!
The night began like many nights do. I logged onto the computer to check who was on msn before embarking out. Soon as I log on BAM, message from this girl Samantha I met the night prior. She asks me what my plans are for the night etc, as usual I have no plans and it’s already nearing 10pm. Ah’, the life of a pickup artist! You no longer need “plans” because things either fall into place each night, or if they don’t you go out alone. Either of which are two happily greeted options.
I am to go pick her up, it’s to be just the two of us! Sounds like an ideal night ending in sex where everyone goes home (or doesn’t) happy right? WRONG! That’s way too boring for me, especially on a Friday night! Jeez, I need to have fun on a Friday night, not stay in and just get laid, who’s idea of fun is that. On the way over I give my friend Dan a call to see if he wants to make our lovely twosome a saucy threesome.
Before I continue, let me give you a little bit of background information on Dan: He’s 21 years old, about 6’2″, and he’s got a shaved head. Sounds like a sexy stud! Except he’s got this thing where he’s extremely shy and tends to bore not only boys and girls to death, but animals and insects as well. This being said, I’m also unsure if Dan has ever had sex before, he might still be a proud member of the infamous V-squad. Unfortunately for him the evil-doer Jack is on his way to swipe that membership card away!
My Mission for the night is simple: Get Dan laid by the girl who I picked up the other night. My game plan? Also simple! I don’t have one. Any experienced PUA would know altering one girls attraction from one male to another male is nearly impossible to do! Especially when you’re the one who’s picking her up to go out drinking. Because “drinking” is code language for “let’s fuck, but let’s be drunk first to ensure it’s more comfortable and not awkward our first time, because then it’s the alcohols fault!” Also if a girl really wants you to drink (like when you’re at the bar and you tell the girl “I’m not drinking tonight” and the girl gets on your case to get boozed up) this means she is digging you hardcore style! She’s thinking, “hey if this guy is tipsy there’s more of a chance he’ll find his balls and lay a wet one on me, maybe even take me home.”
I grab Samantha, then realize it’s 10 minutes till ten when the alcohol store closes! Oh no, time for some rushing. Somehow we still make it in time and I buy a bottle of Cuban Rum while the chicky gets white wine. I have to figure out how I can smoothly pick up Dan from his place without her thinking it’s awkward that I’m inviting another guy out with us essentially ruining our date… Hmmm this is definitely a tough one! Bingo, I tell her we’re drinking at his place! Wow, for once living at home with your parents comes in handy, sweet. But wait, he lives at home with his parents too… Ah well, f*ck it! We’ll figure this out when I get there!
I pull into the driveway, see three cars there and quickly figure out an excuse as to why we can’t go into his house – it’s brilliant! I turned to her and said, “Ah damn! His room mates must have just gotten home and they’re very finicky about who they let over.” I know, it’s totally not brilliant and it’s actually a shit ass excuse. But what ever, it worked. I picked him up and then realized something else – we ACTUALLY don’t have anywhere to drink! But of course, my other friend Anthony calls me up just as this realization hits, and we go to meet him at this fancy restaurant downtown (he’s got his own place to drink at).
This is where things start to go downhill… But not at the normal downhill rate, more like tubing down mount everest. The truck I pull in beside just so happens to be this girls Boyfriend! I know, WTF eh’? Boyfriend! Hmmm, she told me she just got out of a relationship 5 days ago. I guess when you give girls the speech that you don’t do relationships, and you’re the “guy who doesn’t count” (thanks johnny soporno) it makes them lie about their relationship status.
Anyway, so we pull beside his truck just as he’s getting into the truck! At this point I don’t know what’s going on, because she’s a deer in the headlights, and he’s walking towards us with a girl on his arm. He slides behind her, opens the truck door, and gets in. Doesn’t even say a word to her. She turns to me saying she’s going to puke or something, then says, “I can’t believe he’s with the girl he got pregnant! So he’s been cheating on me with her this entire time.” Now I’m not even going to get into what’s wrong with this sentence! It says enough to turn my switch right off though, now there’s no doubt I don’t want this girl. The idea of tag teaming her with Dan has been erased. Just kidding! To the part about them being erased I mean, the tag team is totally on 
.
Now she’s a total mess, crying and what not, calling him up while he doesn’t answer. Of course Dan is no help. He just stands there letting the light reflect off his baldness, while she hangs off me as we go into the restaurant.
Fast forward to Anthony’s house drinking ——————————>
This night turns from weird, to terrible! Why did I remind myself not to get trashed ever again? Oh well, who cares. Let’s get trashed! The night is looking like crap, and none of my friends are helping me drink the 26er of Rum I bought for us. I’m either driving, or not drinking 90% of the time, so what the hell! One night can’t hurt that much.
Of course I drank waaay too much rum, and she was being a little bitch. But after she got that wine in her system she lightened up and seemingly forgot about the entire situation, although she began acting insane… Let’s see how Dan’s doing shall we? Dan is doing absolutely brutal. I don’t think he spoke to her after the initial “hi my names Dan.” His chances of banging this girl are out the window. Oh well, I tried to be a good friend at least. I should start a new Express delivery service. I basically delivered the girl to him in a box, but he couldn’t figure out how to open the packaging.
So this is looking really crappy, I’m getting trashed, there are THREE dudes now, and one girl. Yes, I admit it, I’m the host of every Sausage fest you’ve ever been to. Past and future . But wait! Insano girl to the rescue! Insano calls up one of her girlfriends to come out to even up the odds! All I’m thinking is, “Please don’t be a fatty, please don’t be a fatty, please don’t be a – wait, maybe a cute fatty is okay?
So at this point I’m absolutely trashed, I should take a moment to explain what a Trashed Jack is like. This won’t take long because thankfully I fit quite nicely inside one commonly used word: Asshole. And not the attractive kind! The kind where you’re like “This guy is a fucking asshole and I hate him.” Yup, this is why I remembered not to drink. I absolutely shatter any chance I had with the girl by turning into an absolute prick. Well, shatter is a strong word, I just make her hate me a little bit maybe. But I could still fuck her anytime if I wanted to.
We go to meet up with her friend, Anthony’s driving, and I’m sitting in the back seat picturing what she’s going to look like. I’ve learned to ALWAYS expect the worst, so I’m picturing this fat Rosy O’Donnell looking fiend coming out of the house and crushing me in the back seat. Of course I was WAY off, this super cute blond shows up! Great! I don’t need to end my night off with Insano anymore.
Just one little problem… I’ve basically blacked out at this point. As we head to the karaoke bar my mind is nothing but Fog. I’ll tell you what I do remember though in chronological order.
1. I keep leaving the bar to drink from my bottle hiding in the backseat.
2. I keep slapping the cute girls ass.
3. Insano keeps pulling me outside telling me to stop being an asshole because Blondy wants me bad.
4. ….. Wait, officially blacked out now. After she pulled me outside the second time I remember NOTHING, until getting home and her tucking me into bed. Which is also vague.
Here’s the interesting thing though, I woke up this morning to find TWO new numbers in my cell phone. I have no idea how they got there. One was named “Wanna,” and the other was named “Sexy.” So one of the girls is Laura (insano’s friend who wanted me) and the other girl? I have absolutely no idea. I could probably ask my friends what kind of crazy shenanigans I got into, but I’d rather leave it a mystery. Quite frankly I really don’t want to know.
I definitely learned something here. Never drink again. I rarely drink, because when I do drink this is what happens, every time! If I wasn’t too trashed to stand I would have definitely ended off my night with one or maybe both of those girls. Oh well, I’ll see ‘em again. Blond one for sure, but Insano? Maybe.
Actually I’m supposed to be going out on a date with the Blond one tonight, so that should be fun!
Till my next post, happy gaming guys!
- Jack Coxwell
5 Responses to “*Last Nights Fiasco*”
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LMAO! This is so funny, I wish my friday nights were like this! Keep it up man.
Man that story was great rofl.
That was really some night you had there. But hey, Cuban Rum is the best choice, gotta give you that
And the mystery number… were you ever curious on finding out what happened there???
haha nice post, thanks for sharing.
man, i hate the sausage fests. i def wanna hang out with you. you seem to be the only young PUA i’ve heard/seen of in Toronto.
Hey man, great story. Definitely keep writing them. They are inspiration to guys like me. I am a wannabe who knows the info and hasn’t taken enough action yet, but I’m definitely on my way.